profile image
on 11/11/16


Ways to Pass as a Republican
Certainly one time-honored tradition for dealing with the recent election is to flip-flop. Did I say I was a Democrat? Oh, my no, I'm a Republican. The only problem here is that you're going to have to change some of your habits, because Republicans will sniff out your hidden liberal ways if you're not careful. Thus, you must:

Forget about spending Sunday morning reading The New York Times and join a church (but never actually attend—instead, you sneak off to play golf).

Ditch that fuel-efficient Toyota Prius and buy a Hummer (explaining, of course, that you really wanted a more manly car but they wouldn't let you take a tank home).

Burn your Barbra Streisand records and replace them with Jessica Simpson's.

Stop worrying about the rights of any living adult because you now realize that all human rights begin with conception and end at birth.

Stock up on guns, big guns with lots of ammo. Fly the flag every day. Tear up at ball games. You take beer over wine, American cheese over brie. Learn a few Bible verses. When dinning with any one over 55 always give thanks to Jesus for the food before diving in. Shop at WalMart. Never use compound complex sentences or Latin stem words, stick with Anglo Saxon phrases and keep any small talk simple and direct for GOP people with no more than a 5-7th grade reading level. If you talk books, it's the Bible or pulp fiction romance or cops and robbers. Never talk politics.