Ode to Health and Safety in Radio! #radio #healthandsafety

Dear all,


How kind of me to think about providing this. I care so much about you all that the Health Secretary has advised me to wrap you all in cotton wool!


As it's now a legal requirement to think of every little mishap that could happen to you in your life, we now have a Health & Safety poster on the door of studio one. I recommend you all read this so you know exactly how not to injure yourself while on the premises and how to react if you accidentally blow up the building or set fire to yourself.


Taking Government advice, with immediate effect, you should avoid doing any of the following while on the premises:


1) Eating anything. You could choke on food. It's dangerous. You could die.

2) Drinking anything. You might have developed an allergy to water since you last had a drink. You could die.

3) Opening your mouth to speak on-air. You could bite your cheek when you close your mouth, causing pain, and then you might sue me. You could also die.

4) Go inside the studio. It may fall down and crush you. You could die.

5) Entering the studios. There are many electrical sockets in there and if you half unplug a live socket, accidentally pick up a fork and jam it into the back of the plug, you could electrocute yourself. You could die.


In the coming weeks, I will be sending round a list of health and
safety-related material, including how to safely put on your fluorescent jacket and white top hat, which must now be worn at all times on the premises. Be careful when putting on your jacket. If you accidentally swallow it, you could choke, so be sure to aim it away from your mouth. You could die.


You must have a light on your hat in case there's a power cut late at night (or if the sun sets), but it mustn't be too bright or it could blind your guests, causing them to die.


Once you have put on your jacket, you should then go into the studio. Be careful when using the doors to go into the main part of the studio - they shut automatically and could flatten the face of someone else trying to walk behind you. Once in the studios, please wrap yourselves in cotton wool, which will be laid out on the floor. Do not jump on the wool as you could injure yourself. Do not eat the wool. You could die.


At the forthcoming presenters' meetings, each one will contain a lecture on health and safety - do not miss the talks on 'How To Use A Doorknob Safely', and 'How To Empty The Bin Without Killing Yourself'.


The next meeting is Sunday 5th July, 19:00. If you don't attend and miss the lecture, you will not pass the Health and Safety requirements. You will therefore be fired and your show axed (not literally, though - weapons can cause injuries.)


Sadly, you will now be required to stand up at future presenters' meetings.
This is because if there had been a fault with one of the chairs, it could break and you might injure yourself. You could even die.


We also now have a first aid kit in case you get into a fight with someone.


Any accidents (that includes fights, whether armed combat is used or not) must be recorded in an accident book. You should fill it out as follows - Date, Time, Details of Incident, whether it was intentional or not, the Outcome of the accident, a declaration as whether you will be suing us or not, plus any additional comments.


If you accidentally kill yourself on the premises, please inform Brenda, who
will kindly fill it out for you.


You must fill out the exact time (to the exact second) that the accident took place. Please ensure your watches are correct and, as you fall to the floor in agony, you will need to glance at the clock to record the time.


For example:

Name: Alex

Date: Saturday 20th June 2009

Time: 17:03.47

Details of Incident: Impaled myself on microphone

Was is intentional?: As it happens, no

Outcome: Not happy and in pain. It hurts. Ouch.

Suing?: Probably won't bother

Additional Comments: Feel much better now I've filled in the accident book so there's a record of it. This will somehow magically stop it from happening again.

Signed:
Alex


Because of Data Protection, you are not allowed to look at details of other accidents that have taken place. So no peeking! In any case, you are not allowed to turn the pages of the accident book due to the likelihood of paper cuts. It's dangerous.


If your accident is serious (seriousness is measured by how many swear words you uttered when the accident took place) then you must tell us as we have to report it to the Government under the Reporting of Injuries, Diseases and Dangerous Occurrences Regulations 1995. If you don't, I could be jailed for 800 years.


Effective immediately, it is also an offence to be boring on-air as if you bore your guests to death, all of the directors of the company could go to prison for corporate manslaughter.


...Seriously guys, we now have a Health and Safety poster, accident book and
first aid kit for your usage.


Please stay safe!!


Best wishes,

Alex


Disclaimer: Some comments may have been said tongue in cheek. Your safety is important to us! Be safe!