Education is Empowerment

I have started therapy. I was officially diagnosed with Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. This is not in the DSM yet but hopefully soon it will be recognized. My therapist has a lot of clients who suffer from the personality disorders, but also the victims of those people, like me, who successfully leave the situation.

When I first was rehomed back home, I slept for a week. I had not done the zero contact completely. I wanted her to feel like she had some kind of "in" as I started to safeguard my life as best as I can.

I almost went back. And I will talk about that later, but I made myself accountable the best I could. And once I started researching the truth of it, the easier it was for me to finish the zero contact and try to start rebuilding my life. And once the zero contact started, the smear campaign got heavier.

This is not my first rodeo with someone like this. I tend to attract them. I am still dealing with a smear campaign from the first one 4 years ago and it carried over into this one.

Her behavior after I left told me everything. Someone who loves someone as much as she said she loved me, would have a sense of loss and wouldn't have done the things she did after I left and continues to do so.

She lost control. And I am a respectful person and I know what is true and what isn't, but I have lost friends. Since she could no longer control every aspect of my life, including who I am as a person, my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and what makes me ME, she went after my reputation, my son, and how others view me.

My therapist suggested I start writing about the Red Flags of the relationship. There were many, and my internal alarm system was always signaling danger to me. I just ignored it. And it almost cost me my life as she did try to kill me a few months ago. And her attempts to get me to return to her for a very days, just a few days, and her absurd reasons as why I should do so, made it very clear to me that she would make sure I never returned home, unless it was in a box.

My wife is cluster mess of many of the severe Personality Disorders and my therapist said she is more on the Psychopath end of the spectrum. There is usually one person who comes into their life that totally invests their feelings into them and they will do anything to hold onto that person, cause they know this person was let in so deep that they know who they truly are in the end. And to her, that is dangerous knowing I am sitting here alive with proof and knowing who she truly is, is probably driving her nuts. Her ego and "appearance" would be so jeapordized should I expose the truth. And that is the biggest fear to her.

So my therapist said to brace myself for a bumpy ride. I am in the process of changing my social security number, and other things so it is harder for her to access information about me. I have seen her steal the identity of others and buy items. I have seen her do many things, but the funny thing is about me is I don't want to hurt her back. I just want to be left alone.

I have an amazing opportunity ahead of me to find who I really am. I can heal. I can feel love and maybe find someone someday who will love me for me, like she made me feel. I have the ability to be honest so I can address and work on changing the things in me that makes me so vulnerable to attract a person such as this. So in that aspect, I am grateful because she does not have the ability to change. She isn't capable, nor will she ever be capable of showing love or feeling love, she is beyond hope of healing.

And trying to "fix" her is not my problem anymore. I have so much baggage from her and others, and I want to fix that. I don't want to entertain this illusion of love that I held onto for dear life in the end. I don't want to compare future mates to something that isn't attainable. However, I do need to grieve that illusion because my feelings are real.

Always remembering first and foremost, the monster within is the primary side of her that she embraces. She has many personality splits as well. Educating myself on her issues, red flags, abuse strategies she used slowly over time to wipe my sense of self out completely.

I know the truth, I danced with the devil for quite a while. And I paid my prices for it cause I am damaged inside, but she didn't win. I am alive. I am NOT broken. I am a little bent, but I will survive.