It’s been a crazy couple of months I have to say..All the promoting of Justin’s Christmas album and that whole baby scandal bullshit along with the turn of events in our relationship. I’m not sure which end is up anymore. It’ll be so nice to go home for the holidays and relax. I haven’t been home in so long… I really love my apartment out here in LA but there’s no place like home.

I’ve decided to veg out today, tie up some lose ends and pack my clothes for Pennsylvania even though I’m not leaving for another 3 days. I’m halfway through packing when I hear a knock at the door.
Ugh what now... “Justin, I thought you were in the studio today and leaving for Canada tomorrow!” I know what it means when he shows up like this. It’s been happening a lot lately, at first I tried to fight it but every time he looks at me, touches me it’s like
electricity coursing through me. He’s like a drug.
“Bobbi, I just wanted to see you. I can’t imagine not being able to see you, feel you for the next 2 weeks.” He looks smokin as always a gray hoodie with “the creature” on the front, deconstructed jeans and red supras. I let him in but in the firmest voice possible I tell him, “You can chill if you want, but I have packing to do and I promised myself id catch up on my TiVo before I leave.” God that sounds so lame…I have such an internal struggle with this. I know he wants more than what I can give him. The age gap is such an issue for me, let alone the fact that essentially he is my boss. What a nightmare it would be if any of this got out, even just to our inner circle.. I don’t even want to think about the general public!

He plops down on the couch beside me and promises to be a good boy today. We’re going to chill just like we used to, but as soon as he snuggles in next to me and gives me that sexy grin, I know I won’t be able to resist him.
“So what are your plans for Christmas” he says as he runs his fingers up and down my leg as he stares at me with those eyes…Oh my god, those eyes. Why didn’t I choose to wear sweat pants instead of these little shorts today?

“Well, I told you I’m going home to Pennsylvania for a couple weeks, spend time with my
family, hang out at my house that sits empty for most of the year.” I say with a laugh.
He starts kissing and nibbling along my neck “You know (kiss) that’s a long (kiss) time to not (kiss) be able to do this…” I can already feel myself growing wet...
“I just want to be inside you, make you cum one more time before you leave...I’m going to miss you so much.” he says as he runs his fingers under the very top of my panties.
“I can’t think of anything I want more right now…” I say as my lips crash into his.
I pull myself up and straddle his lap grinding myself into him. I can feel his
cock, hard as a rock straining through his jeans and the friction it creates against my clit has me going insane.
His hands have found their way beneath my shirt already...his thumbs sweep against my nipples causing them jump to attention under his touch. As he lifts himself up to press his cock against me with greater pressure he sighs my name into the sensitive flesh of my neck. His breath falls warmly upon my skin and I feel him smile as I shiver with pleasure.
"Get up." His demand is gentle but firm. I will myself to rise off of him, but my body doesn't comply and I continue to rock myself against him.
He darts the tip of his tongue out to taste my lips and then repeats with more authority, "I said get up Bobbi." I reluctantly go to my feet and he leans forward to slide my shorts down my thighs. He wastes no time in setting about turning me into a pleading mess. His eyes lock on my own and he holds my stare as his slowly brings his tongue to me. It plays along my clit through the soft cotton that is now soaked and clinging to it. I attempt to push the barrier between myself and his mouth aside , but he pushes my hand away.

"Please Justin..." My voice shakes with need. He ignores my desperation and continues his merciless torture. I pull my eyes away from his for a moment and drop my gaze to his mouth, the sight of his soft pink tongue riding along my still hidden clit nearly brings me to my knees.
He stops suddenly and drags his hand slowly up my leg, he catches his bottom lip between his teeth as he slips a finger past my panties and then inside of me, pushing slowly in and out once and then twice.
"Bobbi..." He clicks his tongue disapprovingly, "look at this..." He raises a finger that is glistening with my desire for him to my lips, I part my lips and lick gently. "Look what I do to you, why do you insist on fighting me?" His voice is quiet and thick with lust and as I wrap my lips around his finger and suck it as if it were his cock a soft moan escapes him.

He places his hands on the backs of my knees and jerks my legs out from under me. I land hard on the coffee table as he pulls my shorts off completely and sets about unfastening his jeans. The moment he is free of them he drops to his knees and pulls my ass to the edge of the table. I prop myself up on my elbows and watch with feverish anticipation as the head of his cock begins to toy with my clit. I'm expecting him to slide into me, but he batters the tip against me faster watching with a look of intense satisfaction as I begin to writhe beneath him.
"Are you gonna cum for me Bobbi?" He speaks to me in a deliciously teasing manner. I manage a gasp and a nod but nothing more. My hips rise and fall quickly against the cool polished wood upon which I am perched as my orgasm gains force inside me. A loud scream bursts from me, and I press my lips tightly together to quiet myself.
"Bobbi..." He warns, "you know better." I let go and allow myself to moan and scream as loud as I want to. "There you go baby girl." He praises with the smallest of smiles tugging at his beautiful lips.
He swirls the swollen head of his cock along my clit faster as I begin to cum...working against it until I beg him to fuck me. He hasn't bothered to remove his sweatshirt and I hold onto it fiercely as he slides into my cunt that is still tightening and releasing over and over with my fading climax. I still haven't gotten used to how complete I feel when he is inside me...he makes me whole.
He eases in and out of me slowly...lovingly. And as much as I want to, I can't allow it. I refuse to make love to him, no good can come of it. "Harder Justin! Fuck me harder."
For a moment I can see it in his eyes, he knows why I do this, and it hurts him. I push the thought away and demand again, "Harder!"
He gives me what I've asked for and thrusts into me with deep, powerful force as his thumb works my clit in tight circles. His eyes have found mine again, but I close mine...I can't handle the love I find in his gaze. He slows his pace once more and calls my name gently. I open my eyes and look at him.
"Stay with me...don't leave me. Spend Christmas with me." His request is laced with love and sadness, as if he already knows what my answer will be.
"No." I refuse and cruelly close my eyes once again.
A low groan of sorrow and rage startles me causing my eyes to snap open. In a flash his hand is wrapped tightly around my throat...but even in anger I can tell he is taking care to not really hurt me. He slams into me with spiteful vengeance. I wait for him to calm himself and maybe even ask again, but only short gasps of hateful contempt emit from him until he drives into me with a final violent thrust and jerks his cock free.
His cum lands heavily upon me as he pumps his fist angrily around his cock. When the last drop falls upon my stomach he stands, yanks his jeans up and then without a word, he is gone.
It’s late but I don’t care. I throw on a pair of jeans, a hoodie , sneakers and throw my hair up into a messy bun..I look like a complete mess, my eyes are puffy, my nose is red but I don’t care..I have to talk to him. I have to tell him how I really feel.
I grab my keys and race out the door. I try the studio first because sometimes he goes there when he’s upset, it helps get his mind off things but he’s not there. I drive by a few different places he may go but he’s at none of those places either as I didn’t see his car. Last stop, his house...Please please let him be there. And as I round the corner I see his car sitting out front along with another vehicle that I don’t recognize… Great, an audience…maybe I should just turn around…no I won’t let myself. I whip my car in the driveway and jump out...Jesus, I feel like this is the climax of some fantastic love story but what happens next isn’t exactly what I had expected..in fact it’s the exact opposite.

I find myself banging on the door yelling his name because no one is answering (I never act like this, I’m always so put together and composed).
Finally Alfredo opens the door. “Bobbi, what’s wrong? You look....awful!”
“Um thanks, I need to find Justin… I have to talk to him..it’s really..well..it’s really important.”
Alfredo gets a weird look on his face and starts to look nervous...“he’s around here somewhere Bobbi, I don’t really think he wants to see you right now though, maybe just wait until tomorrow when he has cooled off some.”
I look down and I can feel my tears, hot on my face, speeding down my cheeks once again. “No Alfredo, I have to talk to him now…this can’t wait!”
With that I push past him and start searching all through the house for Justin, calling his name…Where the fuck is he? I’ve searched this whole place…looked in every room with Alfredo hot on my heels.
He keeps telling me to just get in my car and go home and as I walk on to the back patio, I realize why he wants me to leave. It feels as if someone has punched me right in the stomach. I’m dizzy as the air goes straight out of my lungs. He doesn’t know I’m there until Alfredo catches up to me and calls my name.
There he is with his hands all over some girl. Her lips in the same place mine had been just hours before. I stand there frozen…crying, gasping for breath. And then I blurt out, “I love you…I was going to spend...” And with that I turn around and run. I run as fast as I possibly can to my car and get the hell out of there. I go home…finish packing and hop on the first flight back home.
******

My stomach twists painfully as I pull her close and graze my lips against her own. I need her to make Bobbi go away. I need her to help me to not feel the cracks in my broken heart, if even for a fucking second. But as I kiss her, all I can taste is Bobbi, I can smell her, I can feel her, and suddenly I hurt even worse. I close my eyes and attempt to pretend. I will myself to imagine it's Bobbi who is so willingly accepting my affection, but she will never be Bobbi. No one will ever be Bobbi, and I find that I'd give anything for this girl to be gone.
I needed Bobbi to not look away when I looked at her tonight, I needed her to let me love her. At that moment, she didn't even have to love me back, I just wanted to pour my love into her completely, I needed her to feel that. I needed her to say yes...I needed her to stay.
I have to put a stop to this, this girl can't be here. I don't want her here. But before I can pull away and offer a half hearted apology, I hear Alfredo calling Bobbi's name. I turn around and there she is. Her eyes lock with my own and I see the most unimaginable pain there...pain that I have caused. The magnitude of what has just happened hangs in the air between us as our eyes lock in mutual horror. She shakes her head once, as if trying to erase the image of someone else in my arms, says something I can't understand over the roaring thumps of my pulse in my ears, and then turns swiftly on her heel and vanishes.
"No! Bobbi wait!" I call after her in a panic. I am rooted in place with frozen terror, and by the time I am able to run after her she is gone. I continue to scream her name, pleading with her to come back to me long after I know she can no longer hear me.
Less than an hour later, I sit leaning against the front door of her apartment waiting for her with my head in my hands. The late hours of the night have given way to the early hours of the morning before I finally admit what I have known all along. She isn't coming back.
I head back to my car, defeated and terrified that I have lost her for good. I know where she's gone and I know I have to find her. I can't leave it this way. She's in Pennsylvania, that's all I know...but I'll figure the rest out somehow when I get there. I drive through the streets of L.A. unseeing and when I pull into my driveway Kenny is waiting for me in his car. He steps out the second he sees me.
"Where have you been?" he snaps. Obviously he's been worried. I'm surprised Alfredo didn't tell him what happened here. "I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours, Scooter's out of his fucking mind!"
I don't stop to talk, but throw him an apology over my shoulder as he follows me into the house. I head straight up the stairs to pack. He is close behind me.
"What are you doing?" he asks as I yank a carryon bag out of my closet.
"I have to go." Is all I offer as I blindly throw clothes into the suitcase.
"What? Where?" He is confused.
"I have to go." I repeat.
He watches me in silence and then asks, "Where's Bobbi, Justin?"
I ignore him. He has never come right out and said it, but he knows about Bobbi and I. That night in the club probably only served to confirm what he already suspected.
"Where is she?" He asks again.
"I don't know..." I zip my bag and look at him. "She went home."
He shakes his head. "Is that where you're going?"
I don't answer, but its Kenny...I don't have to.
"Do you even know where home is Justin?" He somehow knows the great lengths Bobbi has taken to keep me at a distance in her life.
Again, I ignore him and heft my bag off the bed.
He stands and rips a page from the notebook that is laying on my dresser. He scribbles something down and then hands it to me.
I take it and see that it's a Pennsylvania address. I lift my eyes back to his and he says, "Go get her." then turns to leave.
******



I pull up out front of my house and the sight I see warms my heart. My parent’s car is in the driveway along with a few other friends and they have decorated the front of my house and I can see through the window that they have put my Christmas tree up. Time to pull it together and put on a happy face… but as soon as I walk through the door they can tell something is wrong.
"Hey guys! I missed you so much! This is so rad that you did this for me, thank you!" I say and even though I’m trying to sound upbeat and grateful…I find myself sounding fake and deflated. After spending a few hours with everyone catching up I find myself alone. I guess I better get used to this. Justin has been trying to call me all day but I can’t speak to him. After what I saw last night…it just cemented into my mind again why I can’t do this, why it isn’t right, why we could never be together. I’m a mess…I’ve done nothing but cry except for the few hours that I put on a brave face with my family and friends but now I just need to get it all out…cry it out and move on. I wish I had someone to talk to about all this but I don’t…I can’t even tell anyone!

I decide to put on my pj’s. I have these cute little Christmas pj’s…they’re red thermal with white snowflakes…little short shorts a long sleeve shirt with buttons down the front. Seems fitting I suppose since its Christmas Eve. I curl up on my couch in front of the fireplace staring at the Christmas tree, zoning out as I try to wrap my head around all of this. It’s nice to be home...it’s so relaxing here. Maybe I should just quit my job and come home. Honestly, I don’t even know if I can go back to work. I can’t look at him. He’s everywhere though, even if I quit my job, I’ll never be able to escape him. His face, his voice…it’s everywhere...it would haunt me. Just as I’m about to doze off I hear a knock at the door…to be honest I’m slightly freaked out as its 1am. Who the hell is knocking at my door at this hour?

I peek through the window.
"You have got to be kidding me" I say out loud to myself.
Justin is standing on my front porch and he looks like hell, but yet he looks beautiful. How did he find me? Who told him where I live? Why is he doing this to me? My mind is racing and again here come the tears. Realizing my feelings was hard enough but what came after sent me over the top and it’s all just too much for me.
I open the door and I refuse to look at him...I don’t want him to see that I’ve been crying for 2 days.."Justin, I don’t know why you came here but please leave." I say with my head down.
"Bobbi please…"
"No Justin seriously, just get the fuck out of here, I’m done with this. Go home to Canada where you’re supposed to be."
"Just let me in Bobbi, it’s snowing. I’m cold and its Christmas eve, there’s no where I can go."
I open the door with a disgusted groan and let him in. He walks in, sits his bag on the floor and looks around…taking in his surroundings.

"Probably not up to the standards your used to." I make no attempt to hide my anger.
"No, it’s perfect."
I don't acknowledge his comment. "Look Justin, u can sleep on the couch tonight because its late & its Christmas eve. But in the morning, ur gone."
His eyes are filled with such despair that I hate myself right away. "Bobbi, just listen...please just listen." He reaches for me but I step back. He sees my face clearly for the first time since he arrived. "Oh Bobbi...oh god Bobbi are u crying?"
I turn away but don't trust myself to speak. Fresh tears spill from my eyes and I am desperate to hide them from him.
"I’m sorry u had to see that...with her I mean. But I’m even more sorry that it happened in the first place. I just..." he trails off, but I say nothing, the silence of the room is deafening.
"I want to tell you something Bobbi, you need to know..." he falters again and I hear him draw a deep ragged breath that tells me he is crying too. "The first time I saw you...do u remember?" He waits a beat but Continues when I say nothing.
"The first time I saw you, you were wearing a pale blue button up shirt and u had missed a button. And u had this little silver clip holding your hair back that caught the light when u moved. Except, your hair kept coming loose, until finally you just took it out and laid it on the desk." He stops and I feel him moving closer to me. "Bobbi..." he calls in a whisper.
I turn and watch as he pulls something from his pocket. The light From the Christmas tree reflects off the silver barrette in his hand. "You kept that all this time? He nods and tucks it back into his pocket.
“But why?" I can't imagine why he would have cared so much for something so trivial.
"Because it was yours Bobbi."
And with that being said I collapse on the couch in a puddle of tears...he tries to reach for me again but I put my hand up and stop him. I get up, catch my breath and walk away…leaving him standing in my living room. He is defeated and in tears. I have to collect my thoughts…and to be honest I’m going for the strongest thing I can find in my cupboard to calm my nerves. I take two quick shots of grey goose as I hear him clear his throat in the living room.
Ok Bobbi, just do this, just tell him and get it over with…just spill it…put it all out on the table now! I have to give myself these pep talks all the time and most of the time it works…we'll see! I make my way back into the living room where I find him sitting on the couch…elbows on his knees and his head hanging low. As I begin to speak he pops his head up, biting his bottom lip and he begins to stand.
"Just sit Justin." I walk over and sit down beside him and I just stare at him…trying to figure out what to say next. I stare into his beautiful eyes that have taken on such a sadness…the way his eyes are boring into mine sends shivers right through me. He is waiting for me to say something…anything.
"Listen Justin, I can think of a 100 reasons this will never work.” I hear his breath catch and he tries to speak but I stop him.
I start crying again "I tried to keep this professional but we became so close…you’re my best friend. I feel lost when you’re not around. I know I may act like that’s not the case, but it is…every time you walk into a room my heart starts to race…every time you look at me, every time you touch me....I just…I don’t know, but when I realized it the other night and I came to tell you that I’d spend Christmas with you and I saw that girl… it was like someone sucked all the air out of me. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see straight... Justin I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody and I know its wrong but I can’t help it."
He stands and kisses me with gentle hunger, quieting me. I relax and close my eyes, savoring the soft warmth of his lips. When he breaks away, my eyes drift open and I whisper into his chest, "I'm scared Justin."
******

I take her face in my hands gently and softly kiss the salty track of her tears away. Her lips seek mine once more and I brush my lips across them. When we part, my hand goes to her cheek on its own accord, as if checking to be sure she is real. I take her hand and lift it to rest against my heart. "Take good care of it Bobbi."

The light from the tree casts a beautiful, soft glow upon her face as she gives me the smallest hint of a smile. "Always."

I pull her hair free from its pony tail and watch it spill down around her shoulders in beautiful waves. She sighs my name quietly when I place a kiss lightly upon her upturned palm and then another on the nearly transparent skin of her inner wrist.

I raise her arms and lift her shirt away. She laces her fingers through my own and guides me over to the oversized couch that waits. I watch with content as she lowers herself down, waiting for me.She allows me to slip her shorts off, her eyes calm as she breathes "Justin" again.

My eyes go to her's, but this time, she doesn't look away and for a moment I can hardly breathe. I drop to my knees in front of her and cradle her foot in my hand. I work my way slowly up her leg with airy sweeps of my lips as the sweet smell of her skin floods my senses and makes my heart ache with love. When my mouth reaches the silky skin of her stomach I lay my head to rest there, as she strokes my hair away from my forehead gently. "I love you Bobbi." I whisper just to hear her say it again. "I love you." she whispers back as her fingers curl around my hair.
I resume exploring her with my mouth in a way she has never allowed me to before.

I drag my lips against the creamy skin of her breast and as I do, she arches her back and moans with sleepy pleasure. Her subtle movement sends her nipple falling into my mouth. She holds me in place as I delicately lap against it. Her hands have made their way to my shirt to carefully unbutton it, when she is through...I slip my arms out and let it hit the floor.

She raises her mouth to me and trails her tongue along my chest, returning her it to her mouth every so often to taste me. She drags her teeth against my flesh with the lightest of pressure as I slip my hand down to slide her panties away. Her legs part for me without hesitation as I begin to stroke her clit with soft, delicate curls of my fingers. She is so soft, and warm and wet, and I am struck with the urgent need to taste her...she follows me with her mouth as I move away from her kiss, but relaxes back down against the couch when I calm her with a barely audible "shhh."

Her fingers dance through my hair lazily as I lower myself to kiss her tenderly. But she pulls me closer the second my lips touch her. I wrap them around her clit and suck softly as she rocks her hips back and forth ever so slightly. I ease my tongue to her and drag it in tiny circles.
She has never once allowed me to treat her so carefully. And I never would have imagined it being this different. She is somehow new to me all over again.

She pulls me up and tugs my belt open with a look of complete love and desire upon her face. I watch as she lovingly unfastens it and then lowers my zipper. I take over and step out of them before returning to her. She grabs on to my arms tightly and holds me as though she will never let me go. I slowly sink inside of her. I don't want to rush...I want to stay in this moment for as long as I possibly can. Her eyes flutter closed with pleasure, but I call her name softly. "Bobbi...look at me." Her gaze finds mine and as I begin to move inside of her gently, the soft throw that is cast on the back of the couch falls around us...wrapping us in warmth.

I tear my eyes away from her and lower my lips to kiss the place just above her collar bone that melts her every time. Her nails rake down my back as I push deeper inside of her.

"Oh my god Justin...Oh god...please..." she begs as I move above her. "Don’t stop Justin...don't stop." I feel her tighten around my cock as she begins to cum. Even now, she fights to stay quiet by biting down on my shoulder.

"Bobbi, I want to hear you...come on baby girl." I feel goose bumps rise on her skin as I whisper the words into her ear. A scream of erotic bliss bursts from her the moment she pulls her mouth away from me that fades into a stream of tiny whines as she shakes beneath me, cumming harder than I have ever seen her before.

I drink in the sight of her. Her lips are parted and still wet from my kiss and her eyes are open and fixed on mine as though she is seeing me for the first time. It's too much, and all at once, I'm cumming as well. "Tell me you love me again Bobbi..." I moan as I release inside of her. And she does. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard and it plays over and over in my head long after she has fallen asleep beside me.