#babyloss

The one thing I will recall here is a dream I had. I don't remember what stage I was at in this quest when I had this dream, but I think it was quite early - the first few years. I dreamt I went to see her in this beautiful place: a sort of cathedral/monastery/castle, with ornate stonework and fountains. I walked into the central courtyard to meet her, and she was nearly out of sight, under the arches, and holding someone else's hand; a male figure;her guardian. She had appeared to me as a toddler of about three. She had fair curly hair and startling blue eyes.The guardian loosed her hand and she ran towards me, and I kneeled down to catch her and hug her. She flung herself into my arms, this tiny bundle of delight and beauty. I could smell her hair, her skin. She was so unquestionably familiar to me, so "mine". And I asked her why she wouldn't come to me, why was it so difficult to get her in the world? And she just said, in a sad voice, "Sorry Mummy." And I instantly woke up alone in my bed with those words that had been whispered in my ear still like a living thing inside it, and I could still smell her hair, and her little body was on mine like an imprint. Yet, she wasn't there. And I think even though I just put this dream away along with so many other signs more obvious, I knew from there on, it wasn't going to happen for some reason.

I was going to say that it was for some reason I didn't understand, but I am beginning to have some understanding, and it's pretty far out there in terms of understanding. In my early thirties I got a glimpse of the multi-reality universe we live in; that in fact we are not one life, but a network of exsitences, all affecting eachother and intertwining in a huge quantum tapestry. I got this first understanding from when I nearly went under a speeding car - in fact did step out in front of a speeding car I didn't see because I was looking the wrong way up a street in another country. I got the sense of being impacted and then being nowhere. And then, just as suddenly, I was back standing on the pavement and the speeding car was going past me so close that the wind from the passing of it blew me backward. I was later told by bystanders that it looked as if an invisible hand had pulled me back from the speeding car. I didn't die that day and I am writing this now--but some part of me did die. There was a place where I died, and a place where I carried on, and the gap between those places was a vast grey area of possibility, or everything and nothing, and I was in that place for what felt like moments, but which was in fact a split second, and if you had asked me my name at that time, I would not have been able to tell you. I was just huge everything and nothing existing in That.

What I am beginning to understand is, by the same measure, in some reality I had Kala. Some part of this quantum existence involved our contract together, and maybe rather than being deluded about the idea of being destined to have her, it was the opposite: I was so deeply enmeshed at that time in getting in tune with spirit, I was so "out there" at that time, I picked up this other reality, and some of it crossed over with this one. I simply made a logical assumption that it meant it WAS this one, even though I'd never had any feelings for motherhood before -- suddenly it was all mine.

But the one thing I want to say for the record and I hope it goes out to whomever works this whole operation - God or whomever. I want to say that when I felt her presence, I couldnt have ever wanted anything more. She was magical, and she would have been everything to me.