today was one of, or maybe, THE worst day/s of my life. a while back, i got hurt. emotionally, really badly...it was, like everything was over and done for. & why it had even started in the beggining, i didn't know. there was no meaning left in anything i had done, or wanted to do. i didn't know where i was, or where i was going. i didn't know why it was happening to me. anyways, if you haven't already guessed...it was a boy. a boy i loved so much. & i'm not exactly gonna go into strong detail about what happened. so, here goes...
well, i remember the pain like it was yesterday. every feeling, every thought, every thing i said to my friends about being hurt. it was like a knife jabbed into my heart a billion times. i wrote in my diary (aha) every day about how much i hated him. but as i soon realized, the very reason i hated him SO much was actually how much i loved him. i loved every little detail about him, and honestly no matter how hard i had tried to fight him away and bring other guys into my life...it didn't work. they could be nice, funny, smart, hot. they were still ALWAYS and constantly compared to him. and they were NEVER good enough. even if he had hurt me terribly. & with this, i realized i couldn't live without him. things; they started getting better, there was light and hope. i believed him and trusted him and what it did was really bring us closer. but then today happened. a day i'll never forget. because i myself, am the thing i hate. every little word, every conversation, everything i explained up there^ the pain that i cannot explain through words, but only the long nights i stayed up crying can understand, is what i did to him. why i did it? i don't know. he's the only one i care about. the only thing i want. yet, i ruin everything perfect and good for something i don't even care about. i am exactly like what i hated so many months ago, only worse. because i should know what the pain feels like, and i shouldn't wanna wish that on anyone. especially; someone i care about so much. when things started to change and get better, he promised me that he wouldn't do it because he couldn't and he didn't want to cause he hated himself because of it. i; just hearing these words, thought just that; they WERE just words. no proof behind them, nothing proving them they were true. until it happened to myself. and i can say very truthfully, if i could take back anything in my life it was that very moment. i didn't just lose him when i did it. i lost myself. i didn't know who i was to be doing someone to obliviously stupid. you're supposed to learn from mistakes; not repeat them. especially when they're done to you. i hate myself right now tho. it makes me so completely sick to my stomach to know i could hurt someone as much as i was hurt. i wanna cry for him. i wanna cry for me. i wanna cry for the people who it effected. i wanna cry for all the shit i'm gonna have to go through. but mostly i wanna cry for the fact that i'm stupid enough to do this. i made SUCH a big deal about when he did, but even HE can forgive me. i find him consouling me. but you know what i want? i WANT to be told i'm wrong. i WANT to be told how much of a a bitch i am. i need him in my life. and when he told me he still wanted to be there, a piece of me wasn't so scared anymore. but there is still this huge whole there. & i realized every single thing i hated about him, i now hated about myself. and even if i did have him, he wouldn't be able to fix that. this tells me more about myself than it ever told me about him. soo, i wrote this to say i'm sorry. to every single person who has ever been hurt so badly they don't think there's a way out. but i also want people to know, i'm not gonna do anything to myself. i really. really don't like myself. but if i wasn't here; well, then i wouldn't get to see it get better. & that i need. love is love and it hurts. i hurt myself by hurting you, and it made me realize we were probably more together then we thought. and i hope...maybe someday we can be again. because...i'm always gonna care too much to not have you in my life. you're not a drug for me. you're like air. you're not just something i'm addicted to and tried, cause i wanted it. you're something i need, all the time. that was born with, and can't live without. and even if some breaths hurt, others took it away with you. & i can't imagine anyone else doing that for me. soo, sometimes i may not show it, or other guys are there, but you're the ONLY one that will ever matter. you're the only one i could write like 328409384 fucking pargraph on how much i love. i asked myself everyday for so long how you could do that to me. but now, i want to be hurt and i'm glad you did, cause i deserve something. how i did it, is the new question. when you promised not to do it again, i should have promised myself, too. everyone was suspecting something from you. even if i say people always come between us, i KNOW i let him come between us. which means, it's me, too. it's always been me, and sadly i hurt you....and you hurt me.
with this, i want to leave you; that i'll ALWAYS love you. even if sometimes i shouldn't. & as hard as it could be to admitt, i want you to love me even when i do wrong, and sometimes it's why i do. i think i might love you too much, but i don't care at all. cause you're worth every single bit of pain. ever. <3